How to seduce your real estate agent

Applying for a rental is about a lot more than just money, your residential history and a 200-word summary of yourself. The online application, though important, is a formality, ruled over by the real estate agent representing the property owner. And what so many fail to realise is that the true bulk of your application begins and ends, not online, but out the front of the house or the apartment inspection itself — that fragile, mysterious and residential dance of the mind. Impress the real estate agent, and you’ll stand a better chance of securing that lease.

Fortunately for you, HOOD has a few a pointers. En garde!

Here’s how to make yourself an irresistible candidate, one whose application the agent would be happy to push forward:

Part 1: The Arrival

Now, the confirmation email said nothing about a dress code. You’re there to inspect, not to be inspected, right? WRONG.

You can tell a lot about a person by the clothes they wear — even the ones they’re pretending to own for an inspection — because dressing well is not about looking good; it’s about showing real estate agents that you get it. Sure, if not for this midday inspection, you’d absolutely be in your tracksuit pants (if anything at all). Who wouldn’t be?

Ladies, think back to your primary school days, to your female teachers and all that they wore. Regardless of the temperature, big scarves, cardigans and colourful brooches are always a win. The little lie we’re creating here is that you’ve never seen the inside of a pub. You’ve been too busy reading — that’s how you spend all of your nights! Now if that actually applies to you, don’t be offended. Just stop reading this article. These tips are beneath you and you’re wasting both your time and mine.

Gentlemen, perhaps the best way for you to start is to head down to the bottle shop and to grab yourself a single, zero-alcohol beer. Look at yourself in the mirror, holding this beer, and build an outfit around it. You drink beer for the taste and you really do cherish Sunday mornings. Dress accordingly.

Finally, just before entering the inspection, go to the supermarket. Regardless of your own height, go up to someone and ask if they need a hand reaching anything. Whatever voice you just heard coming out of your head, this is how you’ll greet the agent.

Part 2: The Approach

We won’t lie to you, the second half is where most come undone. Do it well, and you’re pretty much a shoo-in for the place of your dreams. Mess it up, and you should start looking further away from the city.

It’s no secret that real estate agents love phones. Phones are how make their living — those and large cash bonuses. Leverage this love of the phone to bond with your real estate agent, to balance out your bookish attire and to win that lease before anyone can say, “Hello, I’m here for the inspection. Thank you for making the time to see me this afternoon.”

You start off by walking up to the front door with your phone to your ear. Get close enough so that the real estate agent sees you. Get so close, in fact, that you have cause to nod at them and mouth your apologies — you’ll only be a sec. It goes without saying, of course, but you’ll be faking a business call. Your half of this fake conversation needs to indicate some sort of emergency. Here are the points to hit:

1. Your accounts department has yet to receive payment from a client. This indicates you’re capable of handling money. More than this, the accounts department thinks you’re the person to speak with about this.

2. You’re sure the invoice was sent last month. Steph sent it - and she’s never missed a beat.

This displays you’ve got confidence — not just in your memory but in the competence of those around you. This then gives weight to your idiot roommates’ applications. (NOTE: Make sure they read this too.)

3. You want to proceed with the project. You can’t afford the delays and these people are good for their payment. Leave it with you, as you’re seeing Martin at…

Here’s the kicker. Are you ready for this? Just as you’re about to tell accounts when you’re seeing Martin, you pull out a SECOND PHONE. You glance at the screen, and tilt your head slightly to left…

At four! You’re seeing Martin at four this afternoon!

Now, for the sake of HOOD’s legal department, we are obliged to dissuade anyone from trying the above without at least a month of preparation. With any luck, this should give you the confidence needed to pull it off.

If you’ve followed the above steps — and you’ve followed them well — then congratulations. You should now be shaking the hand of your new best friend, the real estate agent, who’s going to throw your application at the very top of the pile. Well done, young one. Sure, we pretty much did it all for you, but that’s just how we do it around here. Remember that when it comes time to
connect your utilities.

Further Reading:

• MOVING HOUSE WITH DOGS | TIPS TO KEEP YOUR CANINE CALM
• SIX MOVING HACKS TO HELP YOU PACK LIKE A PRO
• HOW TO USE EVERY INCH OF YOUR MOVING TRUCK: ‘TETRIS’ PACKING TIPS

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